Dux

Hello quack I am a dux,
My silky feathers are deluxe.



... Would you like a fux?

Vulgar Anatomical Ditty, Generously Expoused

A is for anus, the hole in the
Bum, which is B, and is fancied by some.
C is for collarbone, linked to the neck,
D is for duodenum and "Dude, what the heck?"
E is for eyes to see all that is ace,
F is for filtrum, so shush up your face.
G is for gastrointestinal system,
H is for hands used to type out this poem.
I is for intellect, clever and smart,
J is for jodhpurs containing a fart.
K is for keratin, substance of nails,
L is for labia covered in snails.
M is for midriff now I'm mid-way through,
N is for nostrils for smelling a poo.
O's for an orifice I'll leave unnamed,
P is for puppies that cannot be tamed.
Q is for quite a nice fanny or cock,
R is for rubbing it off in a sock.
S is for sternum, the bone of the breast,
T is for toesies, you cannot contest.
U is for very rude understair parts,
V is for vulva where ladywanks start.
W is for willies and fucks up my metre,
X is for xylophone, played by a cheetah.
Y is for "Yakminge, I've drifted off task,"
And Z's for a zebra who's wearing a mask.

Ode to a Hairband

I'm enthusiastic,
Not being sarcastic,
My hair looks fantastic,
All thanks to elastic.

The Totally Bitchin' Rap of the Comma

C to the O to the M-M-izzle,
Carving you up with my grammatical chisel,
Sitting on the bottom of the line...
I make you pause for quite some time.
Clauses in a sentence I can separate,
I'm small so if you miss me you can add me in late,
I can separate the items of a list...
Bow to the might of my grammatical fist.

The Ballad of Substandard Comebacks

"Lol, you fell over," one man said,
While walking with his chum,
"Such epic fail, you banged your head,
And fell flat on your bum."

His friend retorted, "So's your face,
And for that matter, so's your mum,
You think that she is wholly ace,
But really she is scum."

"What?" said the first guy,
"What was that? What noises from your lips protrude?
You'd best shut up about my mum,
Or through a straw you'll drink your food."

"When I tripped in stanza one,"
Said chap two, mumbling his retort,
"I smashed my teeth so thoroughly,
That threats like that mean naught.
And so I shall continue to insult your dear old mum,
For I have so little actual brain,
(and since I'm not entirely sane),
That things like that are quite the best,
That up with I can come."