Elephants

The quiet pachidermal bliss
Of trunky hug and trunky kiss.

Hello Rar I am a Lyen

Hello rar I am a lyen,
I'm not too scary, though I'm tryin',
So if you see me, please run and hide,
And I'll be the Cool Cat in my pride :o3

In Which Our Hero Attempts to Write Poetry, and It All Goes a Bit Pete Tong.

I'm going to write a poem,
It's a poem about __ (blank).
It doesn't have a subject,
So I s'pose it's a bit wank.

I'm pressing on regardless,
As I feel I ought to write,
Though it's rather turning out to be,
A festering pile of __ (blank).

Real and proper poets,
Don't leave gaps where words should be,
Except when gaps are comical,
Like the one up there ^ might be.

If I pretend that was deliberate,
I could be a poet after all,
Except in the last stanza I rhymed 'be' with 'be',
And now I've cunted up my metre,
So it's all gone a bit fail again.

The Call of the Geese

Hello honk I am a geese,
I like to swim in cooking grease.
If you touch my feathered crease,
You'll catch my sexy geese disease.

Ballad of the Nowl

Hello twoot I am a nowl,
For mices I am on the prowl.
All through the night I flap about,
Seeking tasty mices out.
Whate'er the weather, I shall scout,
But if it rains I'll need a towel.

Dux

Hello quack I am a dux,
My silky feathers are deluxe.



... Would you like a fux?

Vulgar Anatomical Ditty, Generously Expoused

A is for anus, the hole in the
Bum, which is B, and is fancied by some.
C is for collarbone, linked to the neck,
D is for duodenum and "Dude, what the heck?"
E is for eyes to see all that is ace,
F is for filtrum, so shush up your face.
G is for gastrointestinal system,
H is for hands used to type out this poem.
I is for intellect, clever and smart,
J is for jodhpurs containing a fart.
K is for keratin, substance of nails,
L is for labia covered in snails.
M is for midriff now I'm mid-way through,
N is for nostrils for smelling a poo.
O's for an orifice I'll leave unnamed,
P is for puppies that cannot be tamed.
Q is for quite a nice fanny or cock,
R is for rubbing it off in a sock.
S is for sternum, the bone of the breast,
T is for toesies, you cannot contest.
U is for very rude understair parts,
V is for vulva where ladywanks start.
W is for willies and fucks up my metre,
X is for xylophone, played by a cheetah.
Y is for "Yakminge, I've drifted off task,"
And Z's for a zebra who's wearing a mask.

Ode to a Hairband

I'm enthusiastic,
Not being sarcastic,
My hair looks fantastic,
All thanks to elastic.

The Totally Bitchin' Rap of the Comma

C to the O to the M-M-izzle,
Carving you up with my grammatical chisel,
Sitting on the bottom of the line...
I make you pause for quite some time.
Clauses in a sentence I can separate,
I'm small so if you miss me you can add me in late,
I can separate the items of a list...
Bow to the might of my grammatical fist.

The Ballad of Substandard Comebacks

"Lol, you fell over," one man said,
While walking with his chum,
"Such epic fail, you banged your head,
And fell flat on your bum."

His friend retorted, "So's your face,
And for that matter, so's your mum,
You think that she is wholly ace,
But really she is scum."

"What?" said the first guy,
"What was that? What noises from your lips protrude?
You'd best shut up about my mum,
Or through a straw you'll drink your food."

"When I tripped in stanza one,"
Said chap two, mumbling his retort,
"I smashed my teeth so thoroughly,
That threats like that mean naught.
And so I shall continue to insult your dear old mum,
For I have so little actual brain,
(and since I'm not entirely sane),
That things like that are quite the best,
That up with I can come."

On a Yawn

The little burst of oxygen,
You send into my brain,
Revives me for a second,
Before I feel tired again.

In Which our Hero Muses on the Coming of Spring

I can feel the spring already, said Comma.
I can taste it.
Even if I didn't have a calendar, I would still know it was coming.
I will appreciate the spring this year.
I will drink the colours.
It's going to look like this:

Imagine an ocean,
Imagine a sea,
With mile after mile
Of just Comma and me.

Mile after mile,
After nautical mile,
Of nothing but Comma and me.

Ode to a Rainbow Bracelet

Five and twenty beads you have,
I counted every one,
Each one will glisten silently,
Until its work is done.

Your colours shine so loud and free,
Diff'rent from every angle,
I wear you proud upon my wrist,
With spark and glee and spangle.

I bought you whence for fifty pence,
From the Help the Aged shop,
You were so undervalued then,
But on my list you're top.

A Lesson on the Importance of Not Squashing Bugs

Olivia Gertrude Fenley-Quimm,
Went walking through the woodland.
She stumbled on a massive snail,
Whose given name was Roland.

Olivia Gertrude Fenley-Quimm,
Had hoped to rest her pins,
But Roland as the devil's snail,
Knew all of Livvy's sins.

Olivia Gertrude Fenley Quimm,
Like trampling things for fun.
She stamped and smashed on every bug,
With feet that weighed a ton,
And just that morn Olivia
Had trampled Roland's son.

Olivia Gertrude Fenley-Quimm,
Climbed up on Roland's shell,
And Roland moved with solemn eyes,
Despite old Livvy's painéd cries,
Towards the gates of Hell.

Olivia Gertrude Fenley-Quimm,
From the pits of darkness wails:
"Oh mortals, never stamp on bugs,
The devil's friends with snails!"

Lines on the Anatomy of the Comma

Comma has a spinal cord,
Comma has a spleen,
Comma has a head and toes,
And many bits between.

Comma lacks segmented eyes,
Comma has no wings.
Comma has no buoyancy sac,
Nor other fishy things.

But I love Comma how she is,
With scars and squinty eyes,
For there's a magic fairy cave,
Between her Comma thighs.

A Lament on the Unattainable Shoe of Perfection

Shoes, shoes, pretty shoes,
Comma wants new Converse,
Pink with berries,
Gingham and cherries,
Comma wants new Converse.

Feet, feet, big flat feet,
Comma cries out her eyeses,
Pink shoes with berries,
Gingham and Cherries,
Don't come in Comma's sizes :(

"Banana Sandwiches" - a poem by Comma

Banana sandwich, my dear friend,
No other sandwich can contend,
You ought to be a world-wide trend,
And so this ballad I have penned.

Your sweet caress engulfs my tongue,
The world must hear your praises sung,
From tower and steeple hear it rung:
Banana sandwiches for old and young!

Nutritious with potassium,
Delicious for you and your chum,
Do not resist, you will succumb,
BANANA SANDWICHES FUCKED YOUR MUM.

Lines on the Diet of Children's Art Show Presenters

Tony Hart eats treacle tart,
Neil Buchanan eats rock salmon,
The girl on SMart eats artichoke hearts,
And Morph's friend Chas eats gammon.

This is the knowledge I have gleaned,
From watching craft-based telly,
And I believe with all my heart,
That Morph likes to eat jelly.

Lines on the Temporary Unhappiness of Comma

What were the antics of Comma today?
I asked her this evening but she wouldn't say,
She didn't look right and I fear that she may,
Have had something less than a wonderful day.

The Comma seemed sad, she was not at her best,
She was melancholic, a somberful elf,
I hope that tomorrow she's happier lest,
Our lovely Comma will damage herself.

What were the antics of Comma today?
I can only wonder why she would not say,
I hope and expect that tomorrow she may,
Have at least partly a wonderful day.

In Which our Hero is Plagued by Oral Hardship

"Ow," said the Comma, "my bastarding tooth."
Comma was gaining in wisdom, and also in pain, as her wisdom teeth appeared through the gum. The pain was worsened by Comma's feeling that her new teeth were entirely unnecessary. Comma already had a mouthful of teeth, which was quite enough for anybody, and a headful of wisdom, which suited her purposes quite well.
"These teeth are trespassers," she exclaimed, "growing into my mouth without permission."
Sadly there was nothing that Comma could do. Since teeth were not sentient, trespassing laws did not apply to them.

A Ballad on the Longevity of Birds

A little bird did tweeteth here,
A thousand years ago,
And now the little bird is dead,
And on the world must go.

Another bird sprang up with haste,
To chime the morning air.
And more and more songbirds will sing,
Through every thousanth year.

When all the polar ice caps melt,
And humans all are drown'd,
The little bird will fly away,
Continuing his sound.

Alas it is for flightless birds!
The emu and the 'guin,
As they shall die along with us,
Unlike their flighty twins.

The Plea of the Comma's Diminutive Brethren

Comma, oh Comma, why are you so tall?
Comma, dear Comma, you're big as a wall!
My darling my Comma, please mind you don't fall,
For Comma dear Comma, you'd trample us all!

In Which our Hero Purchases a Shakespearean Tragedy for Very Little Money

Five pence, five pence,
Five pence for Troilus and Cressida.
Five pence, five pence,
Sandwich of mustard and cressida.

Comma skipped along the lane,
Five English pence in her pocket,
Into The Works without disdain,
And her eyes near leaped out of their sockets.

It was five pence, five pence,
Five pence for Troilus and Cressida.
Five pence, five pence,
Sandwich of mustard and cressida!

Comma looked the book about,
Though unfamiliar to her,
A bargain it was without a doubt,
She bought and took it with her.

She paid five pence, five pence,
Five pence for Troilus and Cressida.
Five pence, five pence,
Sandwich of mustard and cressida!

Oh Comma, will you read the play?
"Possibly not at least not very soon."
So why, then Comma, did you purchase the play?
"Because it was cheap, squire... the price made me swoon."

Dear reader you see it was five pence, five pence,
Five pence for Troilus and Cressida,
Five pence, five pence,
Sandwich of mustard and cressida!

The Comma

The humble comma is the loveliest of all the forms of punctuation, at least in written English. Unlike the dogmatic apostrophe, its usage is flexible and allows for creativity. Like any other punctuation mark, it provides clarity if used properly, but it can be used with more panache than many of its brethren. A simple comma dropped into a line causes the text to flow off the page and into not only the reader's eyes but their ears as well. The comma provides audible pauses in written language.
Not only that, but it is subtle too. It doesn't jump around waving its arms in the air like the exclamation mark does. The lovely comma sits politely near the bottom of the line, allowing your eyes to skim over it, but providing an essential service.

If I were a punctuation mark, I would like to be the lovely comma.
Thus, my blog.

I would like to possess the comma's qualities of creativity, flexibility, subtlety and panache.
Alas, our only similarity is loveliness.