A Lesson on the Importance of Not Squashing Bugs

Olivia Gertrude Fenley-Quimm,
Went walking through the woodland.
She stumbled on a massive snail,
Whose given name was Roland.

Olivia Gertrude Fenley-Quimm,
Had hoped to rest her pins,
But Roland as the devil's snail,
Knew all of Livvy's sins.

Olivia Gertrude Fenley Quimm,
Like trampling things for fun.
She stamped and smashed on every bug,
With feet that weighed a ton,
And just that morn Olivia
Had trampled Roland's son.

Olivia Gertrude Fenley-Quimm,
Climbed up on Roland's shell,
And Roland moved with solemn eyes,
Despite old Livvy's painéd cries,
Towards the gates of Hell.

Olivia Gertrude Fenley-Quimm,
From the pits of darkness wails:
"Oh mortals, never stamp on bugs,
The devil's friends with snails!"

Lines on the Anatomy of the Comma

Comma has a spinal cord,
Comma has a spleen,
Comma has a head and toes,
And many bits between.

Comma lacks segmented eyes,
Comma has no wings.
Comma has no buoyancy sac,
Nor other fishy things.

But I love Comma how she is,
With scars and squinty eyes,
For there's a magic fairy cave,
Between her Comma thighs.

A Lament on the Unattainable Shoe of Perfection

Shoes, shoes, pretty shoes,
Comma wants new Converse,
Pink with berries,
Gingham and cherries,
Comma wants new Converse.

Feet, feet, big flat feet,
Comma cries out her eyeses,
Pink shoes with berries,
Gingham and Cherries,
Don't come in Comma's sizes :(

"Banana Sandwiches" - a poem by Comma

Banana sandwich, my dear friend,
No other sandwich can contend,
You ought to be a world-wide trend,
And so this ballad I have penned.

Your sweet caress engulfs my tongue,
The world must hear your praises sung,
From tower and steeple hear it rung:
Banana sandwiches for old and young!

Nutritious with potassium,
Delicious for you and your chum,
Do not resist, you will succumb,
BANANA SANDWICHES FUCKED YOUR MUM.

Lines on the Diet of Children's Art Show Presenters

Tony Hart eats treacle tart,
Neil Buchanan eats rock salmon,
The girl on SMart eats artichoke hearts,
And Morph's friend Chas eats gammon.

This is the knowledge I have gleaned,
From watching craft-based telly,
And I believe with all my heart,
That Morph likes to eat jelly.

Lines on the Temporary Unhappiness of Comma

What were the antics of Comma today?
I asked her this evening but she wouldn't say,
She didn't look right and I fear that she may,
Have had something less than a wonderful day.

The Comma seemed sad, she was not at her best,
She was melancholic, a somberful elf,
I hope that tomorrow she's happier lest,
Our lovely Comma will damage herself.

What were the antics of Comma today?
I can only wonder why she would not say,
I hope and expect that tomorrow she may,
Have at least partly a wonderful day.

In Which our Hero is Plagued by Oral Hardship

"Ow," said the Comma, "my bastarding tooth."
Comma was gaining in wisdom, and also in pain, as her wisdom teeth appeared through the gum. The pain was worsened by Comma's feeling that her new teeth were entirely unnecessary. Comma already had a mouthful of teeth, which was quite enough for anybody, and a headful of wisdom, which suited her purposes quite well.
"These teeth are trespassers," she exclaimed, "growing into my mouth without permission."
Sadly there was nothing that Comma could do. Since teeth were not sentient, trespassing laws did not apply to them.